I believe magic is real. 

I believe it with my full heart and soul. I have believed in it so deeply, so loyally, that eventually, my life began to reflect it; tangibly, physically. 

For most of my life, ever since I was a very little girl, I felt different from everyone around me. I knew I was different from others around me. I felt unlike my family members and unlike the other kids I went to school with. Growing up was not easy for me when it came to my immediate, home environment. I experienced sexual abuse at a very young age. I had an extremely challenging relationship with my mother, and lived in a household that constantly punished me for being myself. I was silenced, never listened to, and endured verbal and emotional abuse for years. I was raised by lack and victim mentality, and the mental gymnastics I experienced from growing up with my mother was at the olympic level. There were many junctures in my early life where I did not want to continue and considered ending my life. 

It wasn’t all bad, though. Life still had its sunshine moments through the trenches of my home life. I always had a very rich inner world, a place within myself that I was able to retreat into, where I could go anywhere, do anything, and dream of my future where my life belonged entirely to me. Nothing felt impossible within me. I was very close with my grandparents who showed me kindness, the meaning of family, and love. Since I was about 3, I loved to draw, create, paint, build, and write stories … all of which was actually encouraged by the adults in my life. I also loved school and was considered very clever and smart. My outlook on school was that it was a reprieve from my parents; a place where I felt seen for who I was by my teachers. And, although I was often in my own little world, I still found it easy to make friends. 

Yet it was a long road for me. I felt like my soul came from somewhere else and I never quite knew how to describe it to anyone. I felt ancient inside of me, and deeply connected to something I couldn’t see in the physical world. Even putting it in words just as I have here, took most of my life to understand. The negative programming of my childhood ran deep. Yet, even during those times growing up, when my mother would be ripping into me, seeking to break me down, telling me in a multitude of ways how terrible I was, I would hear a voice within me. A wise, loving, knowledgeable voice that would say, “don’t listen to her, she’s wrong.” That voice guided me when I needed it most. Always benevolent, always protective, showing me the way. 

That voice was my higher self. 

My healing journey took a long time. It was arduous and intense, and amplified by my mother’s death that happened when I was a young adult. Her death was not only a result of her unresolved self-hatred, narcissism and pain, but it was also a catalyst of immense healing for me. We had made peace right before her passing and that began my own release and undoing of years of trauma, limiting beliefs, and programming that did not serve me. Unraveling the knot. Turns out, when you unravel the knot, you begin to open yourself up to seeing yourself and the world in ways you only had a glimpse of prior. A silver lining, bursting open.

In my adulthood, I had thrown myself into my work, which was extremely unfulfilling. I was never quite happy working for someone else and doing a job I didn’t fully believe in. Although with work I could always jump in, do my best, learn quickly and do quite well, I never knew what was right for me. Nothing ever fit. It seemed like what I wanted didn’t exist in this world. Always endlessly curious, creative, and drawn towards something that could somehow make the world a better place, I wanted something more than what I knew. My whole life, I always believed in and enjoyed the esoteric; excited by tools such as astrology, numerology, reading energy, and intrigued by the mysteries of history and the world. I wanted to know the secrets. I wanted to uncover what was hidden. I wanted people to believe in their own power. I wanted the most grand adventure out of life.

Amidst my healing journey, these ideas and passions were put on the backburner as I built up a successful career, found my independence, and learned how to support myself in the 3D world. Until, that is, March, 2020 when the entire world became quiet. It was during this time that I found myself face to face with none other than me and my own unhappiness. Had I really created a life where I didn’t choose anything that truly I loved? Had I really been playing life small? Was I really OK with accepting a life of waking each day to work at a job that meant nothing to me? What, in fact, actually brought me joy?

All of this was a masterful culmination in my life that I have so much love and gratitude for. I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to recognize that my life would never be fulfilling while living on autopilot. I am grateful that I could recognize that my life needed to change. I am grateful that I also had the capacity to understand that I believed in a life of living empowered, and having been brought up by a parent who endlessly viewed herself as a victim, so that I knew this was no way to live. I am grateful that in arriving at this moment, I had learned that life does not happen to me, but is created through me, and that it was time for me to take full responsibility for everything in my life, starting with my own happiness and joy. 

During this time, I started making changes. I had no idea what they would amount to or where it would all lead, but I knew things had to change. So, I began doing things without attaching a goal, just doing them because they made me happy. I created new structures in my day, built on self-love. Waking earlier, choosing better food, making healthier choices. I began creating art again, painting. I started dancing. I was committed to journaling, being honest with myself, and documenting my journey. Bit by bit, I felt myself become lighter. Happier. More in tune. 

All of this led to my Kundalini awakening.

It was a beautiful, sunny day. I was painting while listening to music, fully immersed, in my element of creation and flow. Suddenly, I felt a warm, tingly energy rise up my back and began to radiate around my crown. I started to cry tears of incredible joy. I felt completely cracked open. I never felt such self-generated bliss and happiness before. In that moment, I experienced the most visceral, meditative experience I had yet in my life; suddenly, I saw myself from a few years prior. It was a memory, but I was watching it in real time. 

There I was, standing in the hallway of the kitchen where I was living at the time, my mother had passed away a short time before this and I was at one of my lowest points in life. I was struggling. I didn’t want to live anymore. Everything just felt like too much. Life felt cruel. It was too much. I was crying, I wanted out and I looked up at the ceiling. I could feel someone there. I thought maybe this was my star family. I could feel a presence. I felt love coming from them and I begged them to let me go and return. “Let me go!” I begged, I was so tired, so exhausted from living my life. I begged and begged, cried and cried until I couldn’t anymore and it was then that I felt a calm begin to wash over me from this presence I felt. I felt a sense that everything would be okay, to not lose hope, and to not give up. I felt my internal will stabilize, and that I need to keep going, that I will keep going, I heard the voice say. 

It was in seeing this memory unfold before me, looking down at myself, that I saw myself grabbing her, that past version of me. I grabbed her arms, which had been stretched out and sent her love with all my power, with all my might and love, “I’ve got you,” I said, “You are going to make it through this, and you will be so happy that you didn’t give up!” “You are so very loved, I love you. Don’t give up, keep going.” 

Tears were streaming down my face the entire time, just as they had been when I was on the other end of this experience. It was then that I realized the energy I had felt back then of the presence above me was not anyone other than me. That realization shocked me to my core. It was me connecting with me from another point in time.

That’s how I learned about how we heal timelines and heal through time, and how time does not truly exist the way we think it does. That’s how I experienced first hand that love transcends space and time, and that we are truly capable of not only healing ourselves, but raising the frequency of the earth. One by one. Each of us, and all of it counts. 

All of this and every facet of who I am has brought me here to the present moment where I am finally living a life I always dreamed of; fulfilled and purposeful, adventurous and joyful, creative and passionate, abundant and grateful. All of it has revealed that nothing is truly impossible. All of it: the good, the bad, the painful, the blissful, is all part of the human experience and that at any given moment we hold the power within us to create a life that reflects what’s in our hearts. 

The universe is always co-creating with us. When we become conscious of the power we hold within, there is no limit to how we can shape the world for the better. I don’t claim to have all the answers, but I have found what works for me, and in that spirit, my goal is to inspire others to do the same. Bit by bit, I unearth and share what was once held in secrecy. Knowledge, our true infinite wisdom, is power; not from an outside source, but from inside of us. There is no greater authority than our own spirit. 

The way forward is through love. 

So if you find yourself here, it is by no accident. For the universe does not operate in accidents, but in calculated synchronicities. Whether it is my art, writing, music, community development, or QHHT practice, it reflects a piece of your soul too. Thank you for being here, thank you for choosing to be brave and for choosing love.